Manchester United: Soccer Punched ?

Manchester United have been dominating both, English & European Football of late, much to the chargin of supporters of other teams in the English Premier League. The proverbial sweet nectar of success always has people running after it, and that is true for Manchester United more than any other club.

The Manchester United fan club ( The Red Army) is the largest footballing fan club & mainly comprises of three kinds of fans.

Firstly, the ones who form the bulk of the Manchester United Fan Parade, the proverbial insects that leech onto the silverware that Manchester United has been able to garner quite frequently.These are just Fair weather fans, who would jump off the wagon the moment Man Utd stop having podium finishes.

The second contingent of the army consists of the unfortunate souls who have never watched much football, and Manchester united is pretty much the only team they have heard about. These “fans” probably don’t watch a single premiership match & coudn’t tell recognise Ryan Giggs even if he was standing amongst Lalu Prasad Yadav’s buffaloes. The female bastion which claims to follow football mostly falls under this category.

The third and the smallest group of the “Red Army” are those who actually know what they are talking about. Those who know that David Beckham doesn’t play for manchester united anymore & are perfectly aware of the points differential in the Barclay’s Premier League points table between Manchester United and Chelsea at any given time.

It can be said without a speck of doubt that  cups and medal’s have an affinity towards Manchester United  unmatched by any other team and I would be lying  if I say that this doesnt ake me jealous.If only I could implement a few of the following conspiracies and sabotages which tickle my thoughts, in the Man United Camp ,… ah well, atleast thinking about them gives me some joy while Liverpool struggles through on of their worst seasons ever.

1. Set the “Tiger” loose amongst the Devils

Get the Red Devils involved in a multi faceted internal “Tiger Woods-esque” scandal with a steamy mix of Manchester United WAGS & players in a sexual jumble fit for Sherlock Holmes, as a result of which we might see Vidic chasing Berbatov across the pitch and Rooney trying to headbutt Scholes. It would really bring out Manchester United’s proficiency in “counter attacking” quite literally.

2. Hit out of the “Orbit”

Sir Alex Ferguson is a tactical machine, which runs on chewing gum. Steal his Chewing gum stock, maybe his running out of fuel would make his brain functioning fuzzy.

But who is going to sneak out the Orbit cartons from his storeroom?

3. Hello JI, Some PORK?

Conspire to overfeed Ji Sung Park, change his lifestyle to ensure that he gets a little roley poley around the waist and can’t run around the park as if his backside is on fire.

4. Valencia …… Balance gaya ?

Run Valencia over with a Truck ( or make Gattuso give him a gentle push). The resulting impact may loosen this prodigious footballer’s internal wiring short curcuiting his balance and finesse with the ball.

5. Hair he is…. Wayne Rooney !!

Get Rooney some complimentary hair weaving sessions, because that shiney cue ball of a head that he has on his shoulders, is slotting a lot of balls into the back of the net. Maybe if we can get him to grow hair à la Ronaldinho, it might cushion the power he is able  to put behind his headers.


As I end this Post, Manchester United are, after a hat-trick of wins, tipped to finish second at the end of the season. It is with a sigh of relief that I greet the thought that the team isn’t invincible after all, atleast as far as winning silver is concerned.

7 Comments

  1. Rahul said,

    April 18, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    hahaha…awesome!
    really damn funny…seriously one of the funniest…:)
    but u should try and put one up more often…
    take care

    • Sidhanth said,

      April 23, 2010 at 6:55 am

      Ya, I know that I have been a tad lazy the past few weeks. 😛

      thanks btw. 🙂

  2. Stuti said,

    April 21, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    female bastion sid!
    tsk tsk ..generalisations.. the number of people who associate football with Man U period is pretty evenly distributed between the sexes. There are hard core female fans too and there are pseudo male fans as well..
    Anyway with chicks it may be more about the footballers than about the football per say. So every one f us who finds Ballack cute also knows for a fact he plays for Chelsea.
    Not misinformed..just selectively informed 🙂

    • Sidhanth said,

      April 23, 2010 at 6:54 am

      Yes, I do admit that I have made generalisations, but then my grammar is in sync with my assumptions, I have said that “most” of the female fan profile is in that territory.

      Though I do not feel that female and male Man Utd leeches are proportionately distributed.

      And the biggest point, You find BALLACK cute ? :O

  3. Pavneet said,

    April 29, 2010 at 12:22 am

    stuti is right on d chicks thing….i hav asked a lot of em …n dey all support italy for d same reasons
    u could have added a homosexual conspiracy as well since dey are MEN UTD…bt overall d article is pretty funny 🙂

    ARSENAL IS D BEST

  4. Rahul said,

    October 11, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    All those who swear by MANU’s name should read this!!! Specially our friends vidya and vishal


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