Manchester United: Soccer Punched ?

Manchester United have been dominating both, English & European Football of late, much to the chargin of supporters of other teams in the English Premier League. The proverbial sweet nectar of success always has people running after it, and that is true for Manchester United more than any other club.

The Manchester United fan club ( The Red Army) is the largest footballing fan club & mainly comprises of three kinds of fans.

Firstly, the ones who form the bulk of the Manchester United Fan Parade, the proverbial insects that leech onto the silverware that Manchester United has been able to garner quite frequently.These are just Fair weather fans, who would jump off the wagon the moment Man Utd stop having podium finishes.

The second contingent of the army consists of the unfortunate souls who have never watched much football, and Manchester united is pretty much the only team they have heard about. These “fans” probably don’t watch a single premiership match & coudn’t tell recognise Ryan Giggs even if he was standing amongst Lalu Prasad Yadav’s buffaloes. The female bastion which claims to follow football mostly falls under this category.

The third and the smallest group of the “Red Army” are those who actually know what they are talking about. Those who know that David Beckham doesn’t play for manchester united anymore & are perfectly aware of the points differential in the Barclay’s Premier League points table between Manchester United and Chelsea at any given time.

It can be said without a speck of doubt that  cups and medal’s have an affinity towards Manchester United  unmatched by any other team and I would be lying  if I say that this doesnt ake me jealous.If only I could implement a few of the following conspiracies and sabotages which tickle my thoughts, in the Man United Camp ,… ah well, atleast thinking about them gives me some joy while Liverpool struggles through on of their worst seasons ever.

1. Set the “Tiger” loose amongst the Devils

Get the Red Devils involved in a multi faceted internal “Tiger Woods-esque” scandal with a steamy mix of Manchester United WAGS & players in a sexual jumble fit for Sherlock Holmes, as a result of which we might see Vidic chasing Berbatov across the pitch and Rooney trying to headbutt Scholes. It would really bring out Manchester United’s proficiency in “counter attacking” quite literally.

2. Hit out of the “Orbit”

Sir Alex Ferguson is a tactical machine, which runs on chewing gum. Steal his Chewing gum stock, maybe his running out of fuel would make his brain functioning fuzzy.

But who is going to sneak out the Orbit cartons from his storeroom?

3. Hello JI, Some PORK?

Conspire to overfeed Ji Sung Park, change his lifestyle to ensure that he gets a little roley poley around the waist and can’t run around the park as if his backside is on fire.

4. Valencia …… Balance gaya ?

Run Valencia over with a Truck ( or make Gattuso give him a gentle push). The resulting impact may loosen this prodigious footballer’s internal wiring short curcuiting his balance and finesse with the ball.

5. Hair he is…. Wayne Rooney !!

Get Rooney some complimentary hair weaving sessions, because that shiney cue ball of a head that he has on his shoulders, is slotting a lot of balls into the back of the net. Maybe if we can get him to grow hair à la Ronaldinho, it might cushion the power he is able  to put behind his headers.


As I end this Post, Manchester United are, after a hat-trick of wins, tipped to finish second at the end of the season. It is with a sigh of relief that I greet the thought that the team isn’t invincible after all, atleast as far as winning silver is concerned.

The Ill- Fitted Suit

Who invented the suit? ( No it was not Barney Stinson) And how come we never got beyond suits. Why is it that the suit has, even after so many years, remained almost the same?Is it the most perfect of garments, having invented which, mankind decided ” THIS is what I will wear, to every marriage I attend, to my marriage, to every formal meeting, to all the important places in my life & even when I lie in my grave.”

And why do we feel that if we tie a silk rope-like garment conveniently called a “Tie”, around our necks, we look better. I think not, I believe that the only use a tie can serve is to serve as a convenient hankerchief incase you forgot yours at home.

I think the tie is just a myth in fashion, the only reason why women like men who wear ties is because women want to be assured that anytime they want, they can easily strangle men, in case the man does not toe the line. 😛

The bow-tie is another example of the female domination and the meekness of man in anything sartorial. The bow tie is like the ribbon tied on a puppy.  Man here is the lowly pomeranian who may strut around on the street barking at others as much as he wants, but at home domination lies firmly with the female species.

And speaking of the fairer sex what about  female wedding trousseau, Women wear sarees longer than the river nile, with there midriffs exposed during the freezing cold temperatures, precariously balancing themselves on 10 inch heels.

Make up is another area I dont understand, specially for Indian marriages, I mean, isn’t it quite obvious that the bride is supposed to look good, she isn’t exactly surprising us with hitherto unmatched beauty.. Indian brides have so many layers of make up on that one could change the girl and no one would notice !

And if it is obvious that the bride will look good at her wedding, what is the use of spending so much money on her dresses & make up, can’t she just pin up a notice on a normal dress saying, “I am the Bride, I am looking stunning.If you don’t think so, no food for you, get out.Period.”

P.S. The title may seem slightly out of place, but I was inspired to write this piece after I heard from almost everyone I knew  at a wedding that I was wearing a suit too big for me. Thus the credit of this post goes to that Ill fitted suit of mine.

“Jingles” all the way ?

Advertisements… the world is full of them, from Microsoft to Nirma Soap. From the Marlboro on the Ferrari F1 cars to the Nike tick on Sachin’s butt, every company has its brand logo plastered on walls (& bums) all over the world.

Advertisements are SUPPOSED to attract people towards the products of the company, the advertisements are supposedly the real world equivalent to the Pied Piper who makes us mice buy from his company with the magical jingle that he plays out on T.V.

But sometimes this pied piper plays a tune on his bagpipe so unmelodious that “the mice” run away from the product.

Exempli Gratia,

  • HAIR PRODUCTS & SOAPS ADVERTISEMENTS

These companies seem to take female movie stars & supermodels for their Ads. I find this absurd, do they think that if they show Katrina Kaif in a bathtub, we (boys) would really Care about which soap she is using( Other than the fact that we might wish that the soap was less foamy. :P) !

Another incoherence inherent in the advertisements of the Hair product industry is just exactly how stupid they think we are as viewers, we would have to be either stupidly optimistic or plain foolish tobelieve them in their hypothesis that one Champi from XYZ hair oil could make our hair bounce & do gravity defying antics like Popeye on a Spinach high.

Speaking of Champi, I have always been of the belief that Rajat Sharma, the anchor from India TV’s “Aap Ki Adalat” should be the foremost choice for hair oil companies.From the look of it, his hair seems to have more oil than Rajinder Dhaba’s Butter Chicken.

  • The Fragrance Sector

Most of the Fragrance industry tries to take the naiive customer for a ride on its dreamy & scented buggy to a world where gorgeous supermodels would drool over you if you have sprayed yourself with that 100 bucks worth can of de-odourant. AXE that thought out of your mind guys, thats not how the world works, life is not “fragrant”, its rather smelly.

I could cite more examples, but I have come to know (from whatever experience I have gained) that people don’t read your posts if they are too long. 😉

Thus here ends my small “snap”shot at the advertisements doing the rounds on T.V. Print Advertisements, well thats a whole new world to explore, which no doubt I will someday. 🙂

35 umm..umm

The lights came on, the credits started rolling (with a “blink & u miss” reference to Chetan Bhagat), and the melody of the background score was broken by the applause of a houseful crowd. Game, Set & Match for yet another Aamir Khan Magnum Opus……..

I had just watched 3 idiots, the much awaited & anticipated Aamir Khan Starrer, with my family. After having worked through serpentine queues for entry into the hall & having eaten a bag of frightfully overpriced stale pop corn at PVR Priya, I think I had at least redeemed my money’s worth from the 2 hrs & 44 minutes of above average cinema.

I am not going to comment on the movie here, what is far more interesting here is the reason which allows Aamir Khan & Co to laugh all the way to the bank, every time. To put it in a different way, what has put all the “rockets” in Vidhu Vinod Chopra’s pocket this time around……

No, I do not believe that this success has anything to do with numerology or astrology (or a combination of both), though Aamir Khan’s strict preference to release his annual indulgence around Christmas is a well established fact.

Is the good storyline, great acting & other cinematic attributes the main reason? Yes, of course it is.But I am not going to discuss the obvious here, let’s get a little unconventional, lets move away from what is good about Aamir Khan movies & look at the other side of the story,

What is wrong with the rest of the movies?

To be honest, most of bollywood stuff seems to be made by Koko the monkey, at least till recently bollywood was a temple of clichés, a male protagonist mostly being the one who singlehandedly fights off dozens of Ak 47 ridden goons with a knife no bigger than a razor blade (maybe he uses Gillette for the smooooth kill )& a heroine, forever painted with a couple of kilos of make up on & concealing a mini glycerine industry within her eyes( The glycerine industry is basically growing on the behest of the twin pillars of Hindi movies & television soaps)

Even at approximations favourable to the Indian Film Industry, not more than 20 % of bollywood releases are worth the time. (And the exorbitant ticket price).Thus an overwhelming majority of the releases are just corny idiotic Hollywood rip offs or bleak attempts at venturing into parallel cinema.

(FYI – I would also hazard a guess that more than 95 % of Hindi Movies show either the take off or a landing of an airplane. It is one of the most commonly used movie opening scenes.)

Now the next question is, how do these bad movies help the good ones?

The answer lies in the law of averages, the bad movies serve as riders which drastically pull down the average expectations from any movie, thus enhancing our perceptions of a good quality movie.In common parlance, I would like to call it the Ice Cream Relativity Principle.

“Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.”

–   Voltaire

The basic notion of the principle is that the only reason a typical human being likes the taste of ice cream so much is because most of the other edible foods are not as tasty, had we had tastier stuff to eat (with spinach matching the hot chocolate fudge in taste….no offence to Popeye though :P), I am sure that the above mentioned quotation by the French enlightenment writer would have been rendered moot.

The discussion boils down to the question of whether the good can exist without the bad.

Putting the Ice cream relativity principle in perspective I would conclude that bollywood thrives not just on the fodder of Ghajini, Rang de Basanti or 3 idiots, it needs the RGVs to bring out a few more disastrous adaptations of sholay & the Himesh Reshammiyas to croon out a couple of jarring notes on the “Radio” every year.

Cheers,

-Sid